I'm working on the 2nd draft and the idea has changed completely. No more documentary - it still involves a news team but a university lecturer instead of random people finding it, i can't quite remember if that was what i put last time but f**k me if it wasn't this is even further ago.
Giving up is not a good thing, i've found myself doing that throughout my life - i'd never had a role model, anybody to look up to and when i was down i was kicked or left alone. My teachers at school cared more about the end of the day than their students, which is were it all started to fall! I began to give up on everything i cared about. My parents didn't have much money to help me out when i was young in any extra curricular activity but i picked up the Euphonium in Year 2 and after a couple of months gave up with that when i got bored. Same goes for anything in my later years at school - nothing interested me and i was surrounded not so much by arseholes (well maybe a few) but people who didn't care. Of course peers is what i learnt most from, and peers is what i didn't have being quite the loner throughout the whole of secondary school. It didn't help that the education was so messed up in years 10 and 11 we didn't even have a bloody science teacher - just a constant flow of fill ins, a different one each week - couldn't control the class - couldn't teach. So of course i gave up with secondary school. A GNVQ, 4 GCSE's. Fucking beautiful waste of my most important teenage years.
In college i began to make more acquaintances, people actually cared when i talked to them which was a nice change. But still it wasn't until the 2nd year, or the end of the 1st year when i started to make proper friends. Actual people i went out with and did stuff with - which seemed like a long time since i did that on a regular basis - i think of primary school. The damn good times i had there.
The first year of college didn't go as planned, i pretty much followed word by word the advice of my connextions meeting lady at the end of school which was the following:
Her "So Gary, what are you good at?"
Me "Well i'm alright at maths"
Her "Great, you should be an accountant"
Thank you woman for taking a year of my life away from me. I took Accounting, Maths, Film Studies and Business.
I soon gave up 2/3s throughout that year. And i decided i'd go for and work for a business, i can't recall the word but it's along the lines of being trained up. I'll remember later and feel like a prat for not putting that here. Anywho, i tried for a few of them and guess what? I gave up on them and decided to take the easy route back into College where i picked up Business again, IT and Photography. For some strange reason i had to do my GCSE in English again because it was below a C, strange because i didn't have to do it in my first year. I ended up getting a B in that. And of course throughout the year i slowly yet surely started to give up on my projects after a promising start - especially to photography. And i swear my lecturer for that gave up on me, i could have been turned around and saved but it was blatant. I'd ask for help and he'd ignore me and help somebody else - saving me last 'if he had time.' No use getting pissy now though. I ended college with 2 E's. I'm shocked i got in anywhere.
I'd visited many universities but i finally decided on Derby, partly because of the 2 E's i admit but i like the place - i was convinced i would do something worthwhile. I really enjoyed the 1st year - i worked my arse off, got my first ever A in a module which i was quite proud of. And of course being in halls my social side grew dramatically, becoming less of a shut out and more of a person to be a good friend with. Then my 2nd year - it started off so very well. Motivated as i usually am at the beginning. I can't quite remember why at the minute but i started to give up a bit in the last few months. It's always been the case. I passed thankfully but a few referrals were needed. I got a merit in my degree (kind of wonder if i didn't need the referrals i'd have got better) which i was happy with. Then the beginning of this year. It didn't start off that well with a break up just before the summer which left me a wreck not really caring about ... well anything, at least for a while. I thought when i came back to ignore everything and go on with it, get everything done and out the way early. And i gave up, i said fuck the course i don't think i'll be able to make anything of myself in this business. I stopped attending classes barely touching my work, i felt quite down. I drank quite a bit, then after a while i met my current lovely girlfriend. So of course with nothing in my life i devoted quite a bit of my time to her. Then late Decemeber, i looked back at myself. I thought very carefully about what i'd been doing for the first time in months and i thought to myself - PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU CRAZY BASTARD! Who on earth would i turn out to be if i carried on living my life the way i had done for the past 12 years? I'd end up on the dole, alone, unsuccessful, pathetic, pitiful, unemployed. And do you know what? I despite people like that, I don't want myself or anybody around me to be like that. Living like that is a hell. So i pulled my boots up, rammed up the volume and started to take my course seriously again. Of course leaving it so late i had 2 modules i had to finish in a hurry but i got them done in time. I slowly went off the pace a bit the following months - doing work but not working very hard at them. Then i got my results back on the same day for my hurried up modules. Firstly in the morning i got some feedback from my teacher - a B. I was pleased, a smile spread across my face - i couldn't believe it. I thought to myself - "you lucky so and so." Of course i felt confident i'd passed my other module - the dissertation as i put a bit more work into that than i did my B module. Later on i checked online - FAIL. The only fail in the whole damn year. Great great great. Put me on a downer for a few days, i couldn't work, i could barely mope around! Then it sprang to me again - don't give up! It might be 25% but you can still pass this course with the remaining modules. And a few weeks later here i am, working my tits off - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to get my lazy past out my system. Barring my lecturers i've had very little help trying to get the giving up away but its what i expect, at this stage in my life - at 22 i shouldn't have to rely on other people to help me out.
Education failed me and i failed throughout it, but as it comes to an end - i want to succeed. I want to give myself a good push into the real world. This is were it gets tricky.
I didn't mean to rant like i did, i don't even think theirs any point to this i just wanted to get it out of my system to the not even probably couple of people who read this.
And i also got my website almost ready to show again. Here's the prototype (big for for "i'm not sure if it's good enough"):
Oh, yeah the script ... it's getting there! I may even update this again sometime when i'm good and strong on the project. For now farewell! And don't give up!
